"Try for a Baby": Nadia and Ricky's Story"
Ricky…
Nadia’s crying again. What should I do? Should I leave her alone or should I ask her what’s wrong? She cries a lot these days and it’s so hard for me to know what to do to help her. I feel hopeless. I just want her to be happy again, I want us to be happy again. We used to have so much fun together and lately there’s been so much stress. We even fight more. I never thought trying to have a baby would be this hard.
Nadia…
He just doesn’t get it and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. I’m usually such a positive, easy going person but this baby thing has got me feeling crazy. I’m crying all the time, I’m jealous of all of my pregnant friends, having a baby is all I can think about. I think Ricky is so over me getting emotional about things. He asks me what’s wrong all the time, I mean isn’t it obvious?
Nadia and Ricky met in their early 20’s when they were both studying engineering at uni. They got to know each other when they were paired for a project in fourth year. Fast forward 10 years and they’re now married and trying to have their first baby. They decided to start trying for a baby about two years ago. They had a lot of fun travelling and partying in their 20’s, working overseas for a few years and moved back home at 30 to get married and start a family. Most of their friends were doing the same. A few had even already had their first baby and it felt right for them that they were doing the same.
Nadia…
I never even considered that we would have trouble having a baby. No one around us did, I thought it would be easy. It’s what a woman’s body is designed for right?
Ricky…
At the beginning trying for a baby was fun. We were having a lot of sex which was awesome, but after about six months of trying she started to worry why she hadn’t fallen pregnant yet. A couple of her girlfriends had fallen pregnant after trying for only 3 or 4 months. I remember her asking me “What’s wrong with me?” “Nothing’s wrong with you!” I remember saying, it’s just taking us a little longer, be patient and stop stressing, it’ll happen.” “You don’t understand!” She replied, she started crying and left the room”. I was bewildered, I didn’t understand what she was getting so upset about.
Fast forward two years Nadia and Ricky are just about to start our second round of IVF treatment. Prior to this they actually fell pregnant naturally twice. The first time she had a miscarriage at five weeks. The second time it was an ectopic pregnancy which ended with Nadia having to have emergency surgery. Ricky felt like he coped ok through this time but Nadia wasn’t coping well at all.
Nadia…
After the miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy, I fell in a heap. I was exhausted emotionally and I felt so hopeless. I thought I might never be able to fulfil my dream of becoming a mother. I felt so sad all of the time. I just wanted to stay at home and just going to work every day was so hard. I had a lot of time off work around that time as I just couldn’t face anyone.
Ricky…
We didn’t talk much about the baby thing for a few months after that. We didn’t talk much about anything to be honest. I just put my head down and went to work, kept playing sports on the weekend. She didn’t really do much, she mostly stayed at home watching Netflix. Her girlfriends tried getting her out of the house but it didn’t work. They’d sometimes come over and sit with her but she wouldn’t say much. Her mum and sister were really worried and confided this to me. They thought that counselling might help her to talk about what she was going through. I didn’t think that was necessary at the time, I thought it would get better on its own but it didn’t.
Eventually Ricky suggested they try counselling and Nadia agreed.
Nadia…
Counselling was one of the best things we’ve done and I wished we had’ve gone sooner. The Psychologist helped us both to start talking about what we’d been through and how that had been affecting us emotionally. She helped me to accept that what I was feeling about my fertility problems was normal but that it didn’t mean I had to give into the depression side of things. I starting using some healthy coping strategies and with her help Ricky and I were able to start communicating again.
Ricky…
She taught me how to be in touch with my feelings and also how to emotionally support my wife. A few months into the counselling we were both in a much better place and we decided to get a referral to see a fertility specialist. The IVF hasn’t been easy. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster and quite stressful but because we now have the skills to deal with our own emotions and to talk to each other and support each other through it we’re doing ok.
We’ve continued to see the Psychologist regularly; every 2-4 weeks and it has helped us more than I thought it would. I’d recommend anyone who is going through something like what we went through to try it.
If you are keen to see what some time with a Psychologist can offer you, then I’d love to chat. I’ve been supporting couples at all stages of their relationship in my professional practice for many years and love the challenge of helping you get a better handle on your mental and emotional wellbeing. Whether it’s frustrations relating to your communication (or lack of it), feeling like your partner isn’t there for you, the annoyance of trying to start or grow your family and it not working, or managing the dynamics of dealing with what life throws your way, I’m here to support you. You can find all the contact details here to get in touch.
*Please note this story has been shared for information purposes only. It is based on conversations I have had and support I have provided to numerous clients during the time when they were trying to fall pregnant.